Insecurity, Thief of Love

Sometimes we all feel insecure. We feel insecure and we try to hide it. We try to suppress it. We try to rationalise it. We try to avoid it. We do many things in an attempt to rid ourselves of the horrible feelings. And whilst trying to avoid the feelings, our minds go into overdrive.

Horrible thoughts. Repetitive thoughts. Compulsive thoughts. Our minds are spinning and racing and creating more and more emotional distress.

Insecurity makes us shaky and nervous. We feel hot and cold. Scared and angry. We feel threatened. Our bodies feel sick. Unease takes a hold as we frantically look to solve our problems.

The emotional storm is taking off and our calmness disappears within a matter of thoughts. There is nothing like insecure thinking to steal our peace of mind, to lead us to act in unhelpful, self-defeating ways, or to act against our values.


Where does our Love go?

What happens to our experience of love and connection? Why can we no longer feel it? Fear got in the way. Fear can temporarily block our experience of love. Fear is stopping us from forming connection – to ourselves and others.

Insecure thinking comes from a place of fear, which gives rise to safety-seeking behaviours. Instead of turning inwards and learning to calm our minds, we turn to the outside and try to manage of control whatever lies outside of our control: circumstances, a situation, a person. We get further and further removed from our true nature of love and connection. Fear has taken over.

But fear is also safe. For many of us love and connection are the biggest source of fear. It sounds paradoxical but it’s also logical. Loving means opening ourselves up. It means becoming honest and transparent. It means allowing ourselves to be seen. Making ourselves vulnerable by opening up to getting hurt, to getting judged, to getting rejected.

So while we naturally crave connection and love, we also fear it. How much we fear it depends on our wounds. The deeper and older the wounds, the bigger and more deeply entrenched the fears, the fearful thought patterns appear to be.

The fears stop us from getting hurt AND they also stop us from getting the love we crave. As long as we choose fear, we will lose. We, usually unconsciously, choose a lose-lose solution. Safety wins to placate our fears but is living life within a small, confined, safe comfort zone really what we were hoping for? 


A Life well lived: Love or Fear?

Safety feels comfortable and cushy. It feels calm and soft and warm. But it can also be mind-numbingly boring. It’s life-draining. It’s Groundhog Day – more of the same day after day. It hinders growth. It prevents adventure and excitement. It blocks vitality and joy. Safety is greedy and addictive. We can lose our lives to it.

Just like we lose love to insecurity. We may feel that our insecurities serve us to protect ourselves or that we are powerless over them. We may feel helpless in the throws of insecurity. We may feel at the mercy of others whilst trying to control what is not ours to control. It’s painful. It’s distressing. It’s the place of the fear.

Fearful thinking has entrapped many of us. It looks real. It feels real. So we live our lives seeking safety and protection from the fearful projections of our mind. Never questioning the validity of it all. It might feel like the scariest thing to give up. It might feel like leaving yourself open to getting hurt, open to being rejected, open to being abused.


Behind Fear there is always Love

But choosing love does not mean we leave ourselves open to attack or abuse. Love is wisdom. We cannot fully love others if we have not uncovered the powerful love we have for ourselves. Our minds can trick us into believing it isn’t there but it is. And loving means acting with love and wisdom – on our behalf and that of others. We stand up for ourselves and others when we have to. We defend ourselves and others whenever it’s necessary. It comes naturally.

When going against our fearful conditioning we start to take risks but we are also opening ourselves up to something completely different. We are opening up to experiencing real connection, honest love and true intimacy. We are opening up to taking responsibility for ourselves. To learning how to free ourselves from past restrictive conditioning. We are making a commitment to looking after ourselves, to caring for ourselves, to fully loving ourselves and consequently others.

Letting go of insecurity means choosing ourselves. It means choosing life and love.


Marlena Tillhon

Marlena is a progressive psychotherapist and relationship coach and passionate about helping people connect with their innate wellbeing.

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