The Power of Speaking Our Truth in Intimate Relationships

The Truth in Intimate Relationships

People say that truth is subjective. It is. People say that the truth will set you free. And it does. People say many thing about the truth but not many really speak theirs. Sadly, this is  a huge missed opportunity for radical and authentic self-expression. But what’s worse is that not speaking our truth stands in the way of having deep and meaningful relationships. We don’t realise that by not sharing our truth, we deprive ourselves of what we most value: love.

Truth and Intuition

I find the truth reassuring. It might not always be what I want to hear but it is always reassuring in the end. To me, knowing the truth feels soothing and liberating. I can deal with what is. I can’t deal with the fear-inducing figments of my imagination while telling myself that my intuition is off in the hope that I am wrong. We all have intuition for a reason … Innate wisdom is always within us.

‘The only real valuable thing is intuition.’ Albert Einstein

I am not going into philosophical debates on what ‘truth’ is or means. The truth is that we all live in separate realities. Our realities are constructed by our unique ways of thinking. There can be 1 situation and if there are 6 people involved in it, there will be 6 different stories. They are all valid. They are all true. True to that person. I value each truth and I value others’ unique perceptions. I love the subjectivity of it all. It’s flowing and it’s free.

When we feel that our partner is not truthful with us, it can evoke a lot of insecure thinking. Habituated thinking patterns of old attachment injuries might get awoken. Jealous tendencies can rise to the surface. We might engage in unloving behaviours. When we feel removed from the truth, a lot of insecure thinking  comes up and causes emotional distress. Something just feels off. We are no longer at peace.

It is usually not so much the content of what is being kept from us but rather the fact that something is being kept from us. Transparency is inherent in truth. It’s like we can intuit the absence of it.

‘You know the truth by the way it feels.’ Anonymous

 

Truth Creates Space

‘The truth will set you free’, they say and it does. When I know that my partner tells me his truth, I feel safer with him. I feel that I know him. There is safety within that. I might not always like what he has to tell me but I feel reassured by him being courageous and respectful enough to tell me. It makes it easy for me to trust him. And it is liberating for both of us. It seems that the more honesty and truth there is in our relationship, the more space we create. Within that space we experience true intimacy and connection.

When we are in the throws of insecure thinking, we start to grasp and hold on for dear life. Everything tightens and gets restricted. We struggle to breathe and we struggle to love. Because love needs space and the truth gives us just that.

Truth = Trust = Space = Love

 


Truth Creates Trust

When my partner tells me his truth, it increases my trust in him, his honesty, his integrity, our relationship. Him telling me his truth keeps me safe. It keeps me safe from my insecure thinking. It keeps me safe from accidentally finding out things he has been omitting, things he has been hiding. Hiding undermines trust and emotional safety – for both partners.

The opposite of hiding is honesty and honesty in relationships is paramount. It is vital. We all know that trust is essential if we want to have a healthy and loving relationship. But how can we expect trust when we withhold our truth? Or worse, if we lie? How can we expect our partner to trust us when we do not provide the right conditions for it? When we are not being honest?

If speaking our truth and being honest about who we are is essential in relationships how can I trust that my partner truly loves me when I don’t show him all of me? When I don’t speak my truth? How can I trust that he is making an informed decision? That his love for me is real?

I can’t. And that is why dishonesty or hiding our truth and thereby hiding ourselves inevitably undermines a healthy, loving and respectful relationship dynamic from developing. When we choose hiding or lying, we choose fear. But when we choose to share our truth, we choose honesty, we choose love.

 

Truth As Contribution

When I speak my truth, I share myself with someone else. Sharing my truth requires me to open up, to be vulnerable. This is where real connection happens. When I share all of me, when I allow my partner to see all of me, I give of myself. I contribute.

I contribute myself. I give 100% of myself to my partner and to our relationship.

This is where I can be received. This is where I can be accepted. This is where I can be loved. Loved for who I am and for what I am not. This is where we deal with what is. This is where we love what is.

In this space we exist as complete entities that choose to accompany each other within our  own unique human experiences. We choose truth as the basis of that. We choose love as the foundation for our lives.

 

Truth Requires Action

We are social animals and as such we communicate verbally and non-verbally. This is where our intuition comes in. Very often things don’t have to be said outright. Some things we just know. And sometimes we wish we didn’t know because once we know we can no longer deny the truth. And the truth requires action.

‘Truth allows us to deal with what is.’ Marlena Tillhon

There might be truths that we don’t want to own, truths we might feel ashamed of. But we need to own those nevertheless. They are still our truths. If we don’t own them, they will own us.

We have to be willing to face the consequences for our actions and inactions, our discretions and indiscretions. Just because some truths might be less desirable than others, it does not mean that we can deny them. That would just be full-blown denial. And there is no love in that.

Denial leaves us inert, passive, inactive. There is no motion in denial. No movement. No change. Life is permanent change. Living in denial goes against the natural flow of life. It stops us from taking action. It stops our growth. Denial is just hiding something from ourselves. Denial is lying.

What will you choose?

 

Truth | Denial | Action

or

Truth | Denial | Action

Truth = Action

Being honest with ourselves, facing our truth and expressing it is the end of procrastination and avoidance. We will return to the natural flow of life. We continue to grow.

 

What Speaking Your Truth Is

Speaking your truth is courageous. It is an act of bravery to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. It takes special courage to allow someone else in to witness it. We can only open up to our own vulnerability when we have dealt with our shame. Most people are too afraid to do that. Sadly, this is the biggest barrier to intimacy and love. By speaking our truth, we choose courage and love instead of shame.

Speaking your truth is respectful. It is respectful to give our partner all the information there is and let them decide for themselves how they feel about us and whether they want to be in a relationship with us. We are respecting their autonomy and their own individual desires. By speaking our truth, we choose respect and love instead of manipulation.

Speaking your truth is liberating. Lies weigh us down. Omissions burden us. The truth is liberating because we let the chips fall. We stop manipulating and controlling and open up to a new experience. It is one of freedom. We finally allow for what is to exist without struggle, denial or resistance. By speaking our truth, we choose freedom and love instead of control.

Speaking your truth is loving. When we speak our truth, we allow someone else to hear us. We allow them to know us and choose to trust us. We make it possible for our partner to feel safe enough to open up too and to connect with us. Telling the truth makes ultimate intimacy possible. When we speak our truth, we choose intimacy and love instead of inhibition.

Speaking your truth is enhancing. We make someone else special to us by sharing our truth with them. We create a special bond that enhances the connection we feel with them. We share something unique – us. By doing so we communicate to them how much we value them and how much they mean to us. By speaking our truth, we choose significance and love instead of inhibition.

Speaking your truth is transformative. Once we step into our truth and own our experience, everything changes. We stop blaming. We stop prosecuting. We stop chasing. Instead we start to open up to life by stepping out of the confines of our intellect. We become more understanding, compassionate and loving. We change and impact positively on those around us. By speaking our truth, we choose growth and love instead of stagnation.

The Truth Is A Gift

We cannot force others to tell us their truth. We can only choose for ourselves whether to share ours and who to share it with. When we are with someone, who is as willing as we are to share their truth, miracles happen. There is lightness and space, openness and trust, ease and connection.

The truth is a gift – to others but mainly to ourselves. When we step into our truth and begin to open up, we start to become honest with ourselves. We get to reevaluate past choices. We get to make changes. We get to have a completely different experience without necessarily having to change much on the outside. We allow ourselves a much fuller and much freer experience. One that transforms us in such a way that it touches others too.

And what is most beautiful is that it depends on one thing alone. One thing that is fully in our control and no one else’s: our willingness to speak our truth.

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Marlena Tillhon

Marlena is a progressive psychotherapist and relationship coach and passionate about helping people connect with their innate wellbeing.

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