Insecurity, Thief of Love

Insecurity Thief of Love

The Pain of Insecurity

Sometimes we all feel insecure. We feel insecure and we try to hide it. We try to suppress it. We try to rationalise it. We try to avoid it. We do many things in the vain attempt to rid ourselves of the horrible feeling. And whilst trying to avoid the feeling, our minds go into overdrive.

Horrible thoughts. Repetitive thoughts. Compulsive thoughts. Our minds are spinning and racing and creating more and more emotional distress.

Insecurity makes us shaky and nervous. We feel hot and cold. Scared and angry. We feel threatened. Our bodies feel sick. Unease takes a hold. We feel frantic while looking to solve our problems.

The emotional storm is taking off and all our calmness disappears within a matter of thoughts. There is nothing like insecure thinking to steal our peace of mind, to lead us to act in difficult, self-defeating ways, or to act against our values.

 

The Safety of Fear

Where does our love go? What happens to our longing for connection? Fear has got in the way. Fear is blocking the path to love. Fear is stopping us to form connection – to ourselves and others.

But fear is also safe. For many of us love and connection are the biggest source of fear. It sounds paradoxical but it’s also logical. Loving means opening ourselves up. It means becoming honest and transparent. It means allowing ourselves to be seen. Making ourselves vulnerable by opening up to getting hurt, to getting judged, to getting rejected.

So while we naturally crave connection and love, we also fear it because we mistakenly associate it with rejection and shame. How much we fear it depends on our wounds. The deeper and older the wounds, the bigger and more deeply entrenched the fears, the fearful thought patterns.

The fears stop us from getting hurt and they also stop us from getting the love we crave. As long as we choose fear we will lose. We choose lose-lose. Safety wins, sure, but life is not only about staying safe.

Safety feels comfortable and cushy. It feels calm and soft and warm. But it’s also boring as hell. It’s life-draining. It’s groundhog day – more of the same day after day. It hinders growth. It prevents adventure and excitement. It blocks vitality and joy. Safety is greedy and addictive. We can lose our lives to it.

 

Staying Safe in Insecurity

Just like we lose love to insecurity. We may feel that our insecurities serve us or that we are powerless over them. We feel helpless in the throws of insecurity. We feel at the mercy of others. It’s painful. It’s distressing. It’s the place of the wrong kind of vulnerability.

They say that every coin has two sides. Grief is the price we pay for love. Risking rejection while opening up to vulnerability is the price we pay for experiencing intimacy. Insecurity is the price we pay for safety. Safety in staying hidden. Safety in never really finding out whether we are acceptable to others because we believe our insecure thoughts that tell us that we might not be. We feel that we have security within the safety of hiding. But insecurity is not the price we pay for love, connection or trust. Other than security there is no benefit to insecurity.

 

Opening Up to Love

It might feel like the scariest thing to give up. It might feel like leaving yourself open to getting hurt, open to being judged, open to being rejected. And there is a possibility of that – we can’t deny it.

Only that by giving it up and taking those risks you are also opening yourself up to something completely different. You are opening yourself up to experiencing authentic love, true intimacy and real connection. You are opening up to taking responsibility for yourself. To learning how to free yourself from habituated insecure thinking patterns, from past restrictive conditioning. You are making a commitment to looking after yourself, to caring for yourself, to fully loving yourself. By allowing others to love you. By allowing others to love you because you are no longer hiding.

Letting go of insecurity means choosing yourself, life and love.

‘Letting go of insecurity means choosing yourself, life and love.’ Marlena Tillhon

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Marlena Tillhon

Marlena is a progressive psychotherapist and relationship coach and passionate about helping people connect with their innate wellbeing.

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